116: Why Our Obsession With Time Makes It Impossible To Relax

Bear with me because this episode might be a bit more philosophical than usual…

We’re going to dive deep and take a hard look at

how we understand time,
what this has to do with the uniquely human experience of knowing that we are mortal, and
how this creates our feelings of time stress and time pressure.

Sounds heavy, I know, but I’ve been reading this book called 4000 Weeks and it got me thinking about why we put so much pressure on ourselves when it comes to time, and in particular why it’s so hard to just relax!.

It’s helped me learn more about my own time stress, and I’ll share how you can use the lessons from this book to feel less stressed about time (because we could all use a little less time stress).

Time Management For Mortals…

I’m reading this book called Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. The subtitle is “time management for mortals” so you’d expect he’d be talking about a lot of the time saving strategies and productivity tips we talk about on this show, but he’s not. Well not directly at least.

Instead what he talks about in this book is how he used to be obsessed with productivity. Doing all the things to try and squeeze more out his day. To try and fit in just one more thing. And he was still feeling stressed out and burnt out.

Probably not surprising if you’ve been part of this community for a while.

You know we talk about how to get more done and save time on this show, but those time saving strategies are rooted in the importance of doing less - things like taking breaks, focusing on priorities, and finding balance so you don’t feel chained to your to-do list.

Oliver Burkeman takes a bit more of a philosophical approach to this discussion than I usually do though, and it really got me thinking.

His argument is that because we humans are mortals, and we know we have a limited amount of time on this planet, it puts us in a unique position compared to other animals. We know our time is limited, so we have become very focused on how we use that time. Which leads to a lot of the stresses we talk about on this show, like holding ourselves to crazy high standards, feeling like we’re never working hard enough, and being stressed about time all the time!

Do you feel uncomfortable when you try and relax?

The author argues that when we’re feeling bored, stressed, or worried, what we’re thinking about is our finite time on this planet.

We feel bored doing paperwork for example because our brains are thinking there are so many better things I could be doing, and my time on this rock is limited, so I should (we’re back to the should’s) be doing something else.

When we’re rushed or feeling short on time it’s because our brains are focused on the future, stressing about what might happen, and worrying we’re not doing enough in the moment

And he brings up some great examples.

For instance. What do you do when you check off your to-do list for the day?

Relax or do something fun, or
move on to tomorrow’s list, or that backup list of things we’ll do when we have time?

Most of us find more things to do that feel productive. It’s hard to just rest. It feels uncomfortable to do nothing. I did a whole podcast episode about how it feels weird to take breaks and rest back in episode 91.

In our modern culture that values being busy, where our focus is often on the future, we feel a need to be productive.

Oliver Burkeman says because the deep fear we have is that if we’re not productive we’re wasting our time, and time is finite.

He also says we feel uncomfortable doing nothing because it gives our brains space to reflect on our finite lives. On the one certainty that we have, that we’re all going to die at some point. I told you this episode would be deep.

How our modern world changed our relationship with time

He makes a really interesting argument that after the industrial revolution our perception of time changed. Because now we had free time, and schedules. We worked certain hours, and we started to feel like we should fill the rest of our time with meaningful activities. That’s why sometimes even fun activities feel stressful.

Ever been trying to enjoy something in the moment, maybe you go for a walk and see a beautiful waterfall and you feel like you should stay present, but it feels weird, and you’re pulling out your phone to take a picture to document it for later (focused on the future again), and you’re just feeling more stressed?

Or it’s the weekend and you have a day off and you feel pressured to schedule a bunch of fun activities so you make use of that time? Believe me I’ve been there.

It comes back to the value we place on our time. As overachievers and go-getters in this community, I’m guessing most of us put a lot of value on work and career success.

Whether that internal pressure comes from finances, feeling financial pressure to succeed to care for your family for example.

Or that pressure might come from feeling like you’ve worked so hard in your career to get to this point, you don’t want to lose it all (so you feel pressured to keep working harder).

And we end up putting a ton of pressure on ourselves to do more. To be more productive at work. To use our time in a valuable way. And for a lot of us, rest, relaxation, and doing things for fun aren’t seen as valuable for our brains.

Why do I value my time less than other people’s?

I had a client I was working with tell me the story of how she would never cancel her weekly college football watching get together with her friends, because that was something super important to her. But if she’s at home reading a book and a friend calls and asks her to do something she feels guilty saying no.

Because that relaxation time of reading a book, or doing a hobby, or just resting doing nothing, isn’t seen as valuable by our brains. So we’re quick to jump back into work, rather than prioritizing other areas of our lives that actually bring us joy, that refresh our mind and body, and that make us feel good.

I’ve noticed this in my own life too. My family won’t interrupt me when I’m working in my office, but the other day I was sitting on the couch crocheting a blanket I’d been working on for ages and really wanted to get done, and my husband came in and said “what’s mom doing, oh crochet, can you come help me with something”.

And let’s not all dump on my hubby here. I’m the problem too. I said yes!

I put down the project I was working on and went to help.

I know if I had been working on a work project like recording podcast episodes I would have put up more resistance, asked him to wait, because in my mind I have the belief that work is most valuable too.

But I know at my core, and you do as well, that work is not our whole purpose. That defining our value by what we do is a slippery slope. Because what happens when you lose your job, or you realize you hate your career, that causes a bunch of what’s called cognitive dissonance in psychology and it feels icky. Stressful to the max, and uncomfortable (and we know our brains do not like feeling uncomfortable!)

Is it time to ditch our to-do lists?

Oliver Burkeman says maybe. Because to-do lists, like email, are never ending. You respond to email, get them all clear, then there are 20 more emals the next morning following up on the emails you did yesterday right?

Same for to-do lists. They will never end. And they cause a lot of stress and angst. Feeling like we’re not measuring up.

I don’t think it’s time to totally ditch schedules and to-do lists. They do help us get stuff done and keep our lives organized.

But it might be time to rethink what our priorities are when it comes to time.

If we only get on average 4000 weeks on this planet, how do you want to spend that time? Checking emails and trying to get one more work task checked off the list, or reading a good book, spending time with family, or starting that hobby you’ve always wanted to try.

My answer, the typical psychologist answer - is balance.

To-do lists are great, and we need to have some plans and structure for our lives, but not when that to-do list starts to take over your life and feel out of control.

I’ve shared before on this show I’m making a more conscious effort to think about how I spend my time after work. Am I sitting in front of the tv to zone out (and as Oliver Burkeman says, to avoid thinking about the reality that I won’t have time to do everything I want in my life), or am i enjoying that show with my family, staying more focused on the moment, and making active choices about how I spend my time (not just rushing from task to task because i feel i should do it).

I’m a work in progress here. Which is okay. As with anything truly human, part of the process is embracing some uncertainty, and doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

Your challenge this week

Here’s my challenge to you this week - Spend some time reflecting on how you want to spend your time? What’s most important to you? And start making time for that stuff too. Then practice celebrating your wins. Giving yourself grace when not every day goes as planned.

Bonus episode resource

If your to-do list feels out of control, check out my Time Freedom Toolkit. Want to get your to-do list under control and actually get stuff done… without juggling a million things at once, having no clue where to start, and feeling busy all the time? This toolkit has 5 video lessons, 2 daily templates and one meditation exercise to help you ditch that overwhelming to-do list, stop procrastinating and putting things off until “tomorrow”, and have the confidence knowing you have the skills and strategies to get stuff done every day. All for just $27. You can learn more at drnicolebyers.com/toolkit

Show Highlights

[0:06] – We are diving deep into time and mortality today!

[2:37] – Why Four Thousand Weeks isn’t really a book about productivity.

[3:57] – Why breaks and rest feel so uncomfortable

[5:48] – It all comes back to how much we value our time.

[6:35] – A story about a client and why we struggle to prioritize ourselves

[8:28] – Should we get rid of to-do lists?

[10:25] – Your challenge this week.

Subscribe Today!

Apple Podcast

Spotify

Android